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San Juan Gossip Mills Outlet

A veritable fanatic of the Internet. His avocation is teaching while his main vocation is practicing the much maligned law profession. Currently teaching Constitutional Law at the FEU Institute of Law and a guest lecturer at the De La Salle University teaching "Freedom and Regulation in Cyberspace" in the Graduate Program of the Department of Communication. He is married to his beautiful Ateneo law school classmate and is blessed with a daughter and a son.

Name:
Location: San Juan, Metro Manila, Philippines

Friday, August 12, 2005

Let's Kill The Lawyers

My banker friend sent this to me. As usual, it is about jokes on lawyers. According to her email, the jokes were based on a book called "DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURT". I tried looking it up at the Amazon but it was not in their catalogue. So, I doubt it if this is true. Anyway, these are things people said and published by court reporters who copiously transcribed the stenographic notes patiently and "gigglingly".

With all the lawyers gearing up for the impeachment trial strutting their peacock feathers, it is good to read these jokes to keep lawyers grounded. So, enjoy your weekend.
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Q: ARE YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE?
A: NO, I JUST LIE THERE

Q: WHAT IS YOUR DATE OF BIRTH?
A: JULY 15
Q: WHAT YEAR?
A: EVERY YEAR

Q: WHAT GEAR WERE YOU IN AT THE MOMENT OF THE IMPACT?
A: GUCCI SWEATS AND REEBOKS

Q: THIS MYASTHENIA GRAVIS, DOES IT AFFECT YOUR MEMORY AT ALL?
A: YES.
Q: AND IN WHAT WAYS DOES IT AFFECT YOUR MEMORY?
A: I FORGET
Q: YOU FORGET? CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN?

Q: HOW OLD IS OUR SON, THE ONE LIVING WITH YOU?
A: THIRTY-EIGHT OR THIRTY-FIVE, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH.
Q: HOW LONG HAS HE LIVED WITH YOU?
A: FORTY-FIVE YEARS.

Q: WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOUR HUSBAND SAID TO YOU WHEN HE WOKE UP THIS MORNING?
A: HE SAID, "WHERE, AM, CATHY?"
Q: AND WHY DID THAT UPSET YOU?
A: MY NAME IS SUSAN.

Q: NOW DOCTOR, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT WHEN A PERSON DIES IN HIS SLEEP, HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING?
A: DID YOU ACTUALLY PASS THE BAR EXAM?

Q: THE YOUNGEST SON, THE TWENTY-YEAR-OLD, HOW OLD IS HE?

Q: WERE YOU PRESENT WHEN YOUR PICTURE WAS TAKEN?

Q: SO THE DATE OF CONCEPTION (OF THE BABY) WAS AUGUST 8th?
A: YES.
Q: AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THAT TIME?

Q: SHE HAD THREE CHILDREN, RIGHT?
A: YES.
Q: HOW MANY WERE BOYS?
A: NONE.
Q: WERE THERE ANY GIRLS?

Q: HOW WAS YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE TERMINATED?
A: BY DEATH.
Q: AND BY WHOSE DEATH WAS IT TERMINATED?

Q: CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE INDIVIDUAL?
A: HE WAS ABOUT MEDIUM HEIGHT AND HAD A BEARD
Q: WAS THIS A MALE OR FEMALE?

Q: IS YOUR APPEARANCE HERE THIS MORNING PURSUANT TO A DEPOSITION NOTICE WHICH I SENT TO YOUR ATTORNEY?
A: NO, THIS IS HOW I DRESS WHEN I GO TO WORK

Q: DOCTOR, HOW MANY AUTOPSIES HAVE YOU PERFORMED ON DEAD PEOPLE?
A: ALL MY AUTOPSIES ARE PERFORMED ON DEAD PEOPLE.

Q: ALL OF YOUR RESPONSES MUST BE ORAL, OK? WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?
A: ORAL.

Q: DO YOU RECALL THE TIME THAT YOU EXAMINED THE BODY?
A.: THE AUTOPSY STARTED AROUND 8:30 P.M.
Q: AND MR. DENNINGTON WAS DEAD AT THE TIME?
A: NO, HE WAS SITTING ON THE TABLE WONDERING WHY I WAS DOING AN AUTOPSY.

Q: ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO GIVE A URINE SAMPLE?

Q: DOCTOR, BEFORE YOU PERFORMED AN AUTOPSY, DID YOU CHECK FOR A PULSE?
A: NO.
Q: DID YOU CHECK FOR BLOOD PRESSURE?
A: NO.
Q: DID YOU CHECK FOR BREATHING?
A: NO.
Q: SO, THEN IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE PATIENT WAS ALIVE WHEN YOU BEGAN THE AUTOPSY?
A: NO.
Q: HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE, DOCTOR?
A: BECAUSE THE BRAIN WAS SITTING ON MY DESK IN A JAR.
Q: BUT COULD THE PATIENT HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE, NEVERTHELESS ?
A: YES, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT HE COULD HAVE BEEN ALIVE AND PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE.

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