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San Juan Gossip Mills Outlet

A veritable fanatic of the Internet. His avocation is teaching while his main vocation is practicing the much maligned law profession. Currently teaching Constitutional Law at the FEU Institute of Law and a guest lecturer at the De La Salle University teaching "Freedom and Regulation in Cyberspace" in the Graduate Program of the Department of Communication. He is married to his beautiful Ateneo law school classmate and is blessed with a daughter and a son.

Location: San Juan, Metro Manila, Philippines

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Jesus In The Time Of GMA

This being the Holy Week, let us focus on how Jesus would have fared in these times of 880, 464 and 1017. Warning: This is an irreverent take. Not your usual Holy Week reflection. So, please don't crucify me. I take my Sacred Triduum seriously too.

On Palm Sunday, before entering the boundary of Metro Manila, Gen. Vidal Querol would have received very raw and very incompetent intelligence reports that a rabble-rouser from the province named Jesus would be entering Metro Manila. Consequently, he ordered several hundreds of PNP lowlifes to prevent his entry.

Peter and James, second lieutenants of Jesus, would have already scouted precautions being undertaken by the PNP. They would have informed Jesus the precarious situation. That notwithstanding, Jesus would have said: “Be Not Afraid. Weather-weather lang yan”.

With an intransigent mindset, the first thing that would greet Jesus on a donkey would not be “Hosannahs” or “Praise the Lord”. Instead, He would have been confronted by the PNP commander on the ground and ordered to turn around or face the legal consequences. And Jesus would have said: “You have no power over me” and promptly get arrested for (a) violation of the B. P. Blg. 880; (b) Grave Coercion; (c) Sedition and (d) Driving a donkey without a license.

And since Jesus had lawyer-friends from among the Scribes and Pharisees, he was released immediately pending further investigation.

Come Thursday, during the Last Supper, the house where they will sup will be guarded by PNP security personnel on the pretext that they are preventing would be assassins from attempting to hurt Jesus.

Apparently, the government has already planted and paid Jesus’ follower, Judas, 30 pieces of silver, the value of his soul, to betray Him. Judas was ordered to say that Jesus was conniving with the communists for the purpose of toppling the government. And Jesus looked upon Judas with pity and said: “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world, become president, prime minister and dictator for life and loses her own soul?” And Judas said: “Hey Rabbi, I’m not the first. The Garci tapes can prove that!”

Between Thursday night to Friday morning, Jesus, groggy from all the corporal punishment received from Scribes who ordered Him to swallow the Mongol lead pencil, was charged, without due process, with violation of 880 and 1017.

His friend Nicodemus argued that his life should be spared since He is the Way to a genuine transformation of society, the Truth of the Garci tapes, Agriculture Fund Scam will come to light, and that He is the Life after GMA is removed. After hearing the passioned arguments from Old Nic, they retired to their jury room and without so much a deliberation and with total apathy and indifference, ruled that Jesus be executed on Friday at 3, Filipino time.

On Friday morning, Jesus is allowed his final shirt and He chose the color black with the words “PATALSIKIN NA. NOW NA!” . For His final meal, He ate Norwegian salmon and those who were with Him in prison experienced a miracle. There were plenty of salmons to spare. Apparently, He multiplied the salmons without asking them to sign a people’s initiative to set Him free.

That morning also, He was interviewed by Ricky Carandang of ANC. Jesus revealed he was appalled at the barbarity of the present dispensation. “Ang kapal nila, si Justice Secretary Raul Herodias Gonzales wanted me put to death by crucifixion, buti na lang, Mike Defensor had some moral sinew left and pushed for lethal injection. Not much help anyway but at least, he has some soul left. Eventually, however, the Cabinet agreed on crucifixion. The blood be on their hands!”

On Friday afternoon, Jesus was asked to carry the crossbeams, and walked from Capas to Tarlac and helped all the way to Bataan, to the Dambana Ng Mga Bayani where he was slated to be crucified and hanged. Along the way, he complained that the DPWH continues to be a corrupt agency with all the potted holes that caused him to fall, not once, not twice but thrice.

At 3 in the afternoon, dark clouds hovered over the horizon. And before He expired, He shouted: “Mga HOY! Walang himala, walang Da Vinci Code at hindi ko asawa si Maria Magdalena, pwede ba?

At this, He cried out: “It is finished”. And Jesus expired. To rise again and bring havoc to the Empire. Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.

And we say: Amen and amen.

Postscript: An investigation was later conducted by the Senate but all those responsible for the death of Jesus invoked E. O. 464 and refused to appear without presidential consent.

Thus, except for Judas who committed suicide, the Senate Committee failed to identify the perpetrators of this heinous crime. To this day, sedition is still a crime in the Revised Penal Code. But driving a donkey without a license has been repealed.


Blogger mama_aly said...

very creative.

i get your drift but it this is too irreverent for my taste.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Rizalist said...

hahahahahahahahaha! ouch.
Most Excellent ED.
Saddle up the donkey Rizalist!
We're going to Jerusalem
put on the black and white!

9:07 AM  
Blogger NJbabe said...

Daig pa ang sinakulo (modern version)...and ano rap ba ang pabasa....I enjoyed reading this since I took it on the lighter side. But remember most Pinoys sa Pinas might take this in a different context. Have a safe Semana Santa ahead and let us remember the true meaning of what Lent is all about....

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Arbet said...

This is excellent!!!

Sidenote: We Pinoys really are really literal when it comes to religion. So sad.

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ang corny.

8:25 AM  

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